hollandchase

it's alright Caroline

2009-02-23T18:36:00.001-06:00

this is the last post on this blog.

red hunting cap

2009-02-22T12:25:00.002-06:00

(i don't know if i do)

quote of the day:

2009-02-18T10:49:00.000-06:00

"Redheads are said to be children of the moon, thwarted by the sun and addicted to sex and sugar." -Tom Robbins, Still Life with Woodpecker

because valentine's day is for lovers . . .

2009-02-14T10:32:00.001-06:00

well, just read this.

the rose man

2009-02-13T23:43:00.002-06:00

What could you take from a man who gives nothing?

In hate and in selfish pride you withhold ransom denying those without the fat which they deserve. When Truth she asks, "Ain't I A Woman?" and you pass her by knowing that it's not her just deserve -- you speak without thinking, but what's worse, you think without speaking.
Your selfish, bleeding heart turns you into not just a swine -- an entire hoard. Constantly you slide by them, each time sending a chill up your spine. That's the fingers of sympathy, of compassion and kindness running and grasping for your attention. But instead you treat it as a stray dog with which you cannot find it within yourself to emote not one, NO, not even one ounce of pity despite your knowledge, your experience, your own personal self-worth.
Even if on the rare occasion you actually do notice the man in the wheelchair sitting outside the cafe selling long-stem roses of various colors, does it really cause you to become imbued? Or rather is it simply just scratching for a moment at a scab that can never quite seem to heal?

*Inspired by the documentary "Great Speeches From A Dying World"

god bless the onion

2009-02-11T13:17:00.003-06:00

so here's some interesting news i found. i hope you find it as funny as i did.

broken tongues

2009-02-09T13:38:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I met ten dozen people
their tongues were all broken.
Yes, I'll be the first to admit
I'm a little soft spoken
But what they don't say is worse I tell you
a broken tongue is better than not having one.

In a land of oceans turning black rather than blue
people looking for miracles, they've got something to sell to you
and they'll tie to God what meaning suits them best
it's not what comes from bottles, it's what you have left.

Oh ye great lands spread the truth afar
arm your men with weapons, sound the alarm
take what's not yours, you claim your Book tells you so
I don't know which book you're reading, but your truth isn't gold.

Now them people and all their broken tongues
began choking and talking and spitting like they should've done
about a million years before the troubles begun
don't let them fool you; stick with your mouth, stray from the gun.

carpe

2009-02-07T17:38:00.002-06:00

I first arrived last night around 7:30. Heather met me at the station and from there we went straight to the loft, mostly to drop off my bags (and shower). We were both starving so after I met my other roommates, we went to this little place less than a block away that has no name other than a deer on an old sign on the front of the building so we decided to name it "The Stag." Pretty cool little place. Great music, great food (humongous bacon cheddar burger, salad, and potatoes). From there, we came home watched The Office and crashed.

Today was interesting. My first real taste of the city, so to speak. After watching a few short films this morning, we went to Silver Spurs, a place we just walked across, for brunch. I had three pancakes and an orange slice I stole from Heather's plate. We walked down the street peeking into shops here and there if anything managed to catch our eye. Eventually we ended up at Ground Zero and also saw the new World Trade Center location. As we turned the corner we found the church that housed so many of the rescue workers during all of the turmoil because of its close proximity and the fact that it was the only building to not suffer from the wreckage of the attacks -- not one window was broken. It had a really well maintained old cemetery out front, but many of the tombstones couldn't be read due to acid rain, pigeons, and years and years of age. The inside of the church was actually converted into a museum -- it contains information including time lines of the event, letters written, blankets given, prayers offered, etc. It was really depressing to see the memorial section with all of the photos and flowers and small toys and trinkets. After staying there for a while we decided to walk back to our place and not ride the subway or anything. So this part of the adventure started with walking across the Brooklyn Bridge which was about as touristy as you can get I guess. It was really cool with a great view and loads of people, but, I swear, it was never ending. It took 30 minutes to cross with taking photos and everything. Speaking of which, the genius writing this decided to leave his camera at the apartment instead of taking it with him like a moron. Missed a whole lot of great shots, but I guess I'll get over it or do it all over again. After finally making the crossing we knew relatively which direction to find home, but nothing exact. We walked forever it seemed, all the while seeing some great architecture and a beautiful park and the Pratt Design Institute, not to mention the ghetto we got lost in for about 2 hours. Eventually we both gave up and boarded a bus so that we could finally sit down for a bit. I fell asleep time and time again, trying to keep my eyes open, but I didn't sleep all that great last night, and I woke up fairly early with the sun in my eyes. From there, we transferred to the L and then to the subway and got back to our neighborhood (thankfully our subway stop is extremely close to our building). When we found a map we realized how close we actually were. It was ridiculous.

It was so great getting to finally kick off my Chuck's. Another chunk of the innersole on the right one fell out so it became pretty uncomfortable and I'm still walking like my foot is being cut open, but guess what -- I survived.

all out of facts and i just can't wait

2009-02-03T00:50:00.001-06:00

(i like it when post secret actually has something i can relate to)

silver trees

2008-12-13T09:43:00.004-06:00

saw The Delta Spirit last night. played to a small-ish crowd, but more people than they expected were there, and everyone got really into it, so they ended up playing this awesome extended set. but really, this isn't news -- it was expected. because i love them and saw them before when they opened for Cold War Kids which was equally as good.

the real news is this band i found called Big Boots. By far the best local band I've ever heard. They played various styles, but I think the band they were closest to is Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. On the slower songs though, they sounded like good ole' Bobby Dylan sometimes. Yes, my pants, they were creamed. It sucks that they don't have a CD out yet, but they have a couple of songs on their myspace. You should really check out that link. After their hour long set at Juanitas they went to Midtown Billiards and played a 1:30 - 4:00 am set. Sound familiar? Phil Lesh maybe? They have a lot of material and have been playing together for a while. Very tight sounding.

Besides all that, the bassist had one of the most wicked mustaches ever.

google ten for grandpa

2008-12-10T13:31:00.003-06:00

pretty pumped right now. like i said, after reading THE CATCHER IN THE RYE i've been wanting to write more. well i started yesterday (see post), and today, to my surprise, the writing has actually continued.

i usually get pretty discouraged when i write stories because generally i imagine one scene, get it on paper, and then that's it. the process stops. but this time i'm approaching it from a new angle. one similar to salinger in fact, including a bit of the autobiographical nature of some of his writings. i'm going to steer my focus away from plot and, instead, focus on the main character's mental state (man vs self). that's not to say things still won't happen -- because they will. but the main point of the story won't be the actual events; rather, how the character interprets them, how he interprets everyday life. and, yes, this has been partly shown in my previous writing, but getting it out there, saying it, or whatever helps me get in the correct mindset sometimes.

so here goes nothing.
let's hope it becomes a something.

if a body catch a body

2008-12-09T22:35:00.002-06:00

The rain was really coming down now. Big drops too, just ready to drown something, anything. The already gray sky was fading further and further away into nothing. I watched as the water-colored people around me did the same. The dull taupe trench coats, the brightly colored scarves would transform slowly into rainbows of monochromatic color, like when the tube goes out on the TV, only without those annoying lines that sometimes show up. My feet, soggy inside my canvas shoes, squished as I walked. The rain was loud, but my feet were louder. It’s always like that when your feet are squishing or something. The room could be filled with all kinds of racket, but as soon as you start walking away it’s like everything stops or everyone dies and all eyes, even the dead ones, are on you, and all you can think is Where the hell can a guy find a rug in this place? And no matter how hard you look you can’t find one anywhere. Like they were all taken up to be cleaned or something. Anyway, that’s the way it was.
By this point, I was pretty cold and knew that I would start shivering soon. I do that a lot. Shivering, that is. It’s not that I’m dying of cold or anything. Really I’m not. I just start in looking epileptic and everything. I don’t much care for it. It’s embarrassing. So I slipped into this used book store for a minute to warm up and call an old friend, Jacob Leer. I went to the back of the store so that the gray mustached man at the counter wouldn’t listen in. Not that what I had to say was Top Secret or anything. It’s just that the people in places like that are always listening in on what you have to say. I was standing next to a dusty stack of old records when I pulled out my phone. Dead. I should have guessed. I’m the world’s worst procrastinator when it comes to things like this. That battery had been giving me trouble for weeks. It would be dead in just a matter of hours after a full charge. I needed to use the man’s phone, but I’d feel too crummy to go up and ask him without buying anything. It’s hard enough keeping a small place like this open, especially in a town like this, without everyone and their mom jacking up the phone bill at the same time.
So what I did was, I started in looking at all those records that were stacked up so nice. I remembered my Pop had an old record player in the garage that he never used. I asked him about it last year and he said that it just needed a needle. I guess that’s where I get all that procrastination from. But I was thinking, if I bought a needle for it, he would let me have it, or at least loan it to me. None of the names on the records sounded too familiar, except for one by an old colored lady called Odetta Sings Dylan. Or maybe it didn’t. I don’t know. But still, I had to buy something.
“That’s a fine recerd you picked there son. You best take good care o’it. Odetta had more soul, more talent than any other broad I ever seen. It’s a shame -- we lost ‘er just a few weeks here back” the mustached man said as he rang me up. “Comes out to, eh . . .” He hesitated while he waited for the total to show up on the beat up blue cash machine. “’Leven dollas and a quoter.”
Being this close to him, I couldn’t help but notice that his glasses sat crooked on his face, but it wasn’t because one ear was lower than the other or anything. It was because he had this mole on his cheek that stood out, right where the glasses sat on his face, that made the lens higher on the right side. Stuff like that gets me -- when people have big moles right on their face.

cobwebs / spiderwebs

2008-12-08T19:12:00.000-06:00

“this is a people shooting hat,” i said. “i shoot people in this hat.”

2008-12-08T13:41:00.004-06:00

today i finished THE CATCHER IN THE RYE, one of my all time favorite books. i've probably read this book nearly 15 times now. i never get tired of it. what's really amazing about it, and the reason why everyone likes this book anyway, is that Holden is such a relatable character. as i've gotten older i've noticed how different parts of the story appeal to me more than others, how those things shift in my head, how they are tossed and turned, and how they are always weighed differently. i think the same thing applies to the story INTO THE WILD. they both make you want to live in seclusion, blocking out the vanities of society and the poor wretchs' lives that get controled by some delusion or another. and just like Holden i've been on my toes for years trying to avoid becoming a phony --mostly this involves avoiding becoming the people in the churches i grew up in. i've always seen through them, those people of glass, those people Eliot called HOLLOW MEN. even as a child i saw through them. but now what's different is that i'm learning to distance myself without avoiding actuality like i've tried to do in the past. it's an impossible hoax anyway.

the novel is by far one of the most insightful books ever written.

Salinger always makes me want to start writing more too. fiction that is. i've been very happy this year as far as my motivation to write goes; although, it mostly has applied strictly to lyrics and poetry. if it weren't for finals at the end of this week (thank god the semester is finally ending), i would probably skip everyday, locking myself up in this old time restaurant that i frequent every week called Old College Inn and write. just write. nothing else.

god that sounds wonderful.

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

daughter of ohio

2008-12-06T01:51:00.002-06:00

Damien Jurado.
Give him a listen.
You won't regret.
Excellent lyrics too.
And that site has 4 downloads.
How's that for a perk?
You don't even have to find it at a store, itunes, or, god forbid, a torrent.

a heart, a skid, a key

2008-12-04T23:53:00.002-06:00

Three weeks ago
Said to myself,
“Think I’ll dig myself a hole.”

Some people stopped by
Asked where my tunnel led
“anywhere you want,” I said.

Personally, what it’s done for me --
I put all my sin into a bin
Locked it tight, was a heavy fight
Watched it fall till the morning light.
There it went
My shipment’s been sent
Definitely a part of me
That girl’s still here
Lucky for me
And to her heart I hold the key

And that hole’s a crater
Recently began to hate her
For no apparent reason
It must be the change of seasons

Five days ago I found out
My key don’t work, no
It got broke
The locksmith, he’s gone outta town
Went down to the river to drown

His wife left him with all eight kids
A pile of bills, a mess of skids
His head ain’t right
Just a slight
Thing sends him over the edge

Now you see?
Where does that leave me?
Pretending that I’m sailing the sea?
Oh, down by the water
Who’d I see falter?
None other than that broken father.

Heard him cry out, “God save me!”
He touched his heart, he took a knee.
This was my chance, “sir would you help me?
My love is broken, could you fix this key?”

Personally, what he done for me --
He took me in with all his kin
Told me not to push or shove
Showed me that the world needs love

simply put: the devil

2008-12-04T23:52:00.001-06:00

I’ve been eating with the Devil
Every single day
She rolls her own cancers
She deals me the same
Down to deep chrome canyons
With bridges over lakes of fire
She asked me to jump in
Float around in the boggy mire.

What she said next
She will deny
She said she wants some
Peace and quiet
She’s tired of this war
Between God and her
She’d call it quits
But all this work
What would it be for?

I held hands with the Devil
It felt just like your’s
Chills ran up my spine
Made me nervous to the core
We came up to the streets
There was not a soul around
The ground was not stable
A plague struck the people
Who we were walking on.

Time would tell what it
Always says
Your days are growing short
And your nights may seem long
But soon you’ll be praying
For them to the Lord.

She’s the Prince of the Power of the Air
She’s in your mouth
What you spit out
She’s in your long flowing red hair.

She sat me down
To talk about Power
And the balance that exists
Between God and her.
“Like with the people
Dead in the streets,
God has to be checked.
There’s not a quota I have to meet.”

ode to sunshine

2008-12-04T23:49:00.001-06:00

Here's the lyrics to one of my favorite songs by Delta Spirit called Streetwalker. I missed them when they came with Nada Surf because I was in Canada, but they are coming back on the 12th. Really pumped for the show.

Streetwalker knows how to strut right
She knows the truth
Bad boys walking through the corridor
God knows what they're gonna do.

Darkness paraded across the headlines:
'Little girl stolen from her bedroom,'
Homeless, beat to death, or put out
Hopeless... greedy and cruel.

Oh why can't I feel for you?
My heart is so black to you--
Oh--

Her head was spinning like a hurricane,
Tina was singing her name
Old men like to rape her in the red light
She's too young and numb to complain

Little boy bought at the age of six,
Down the street he's wearing a dress
Look at his face, you won't see no innocence
He's got so much experience

Oh why can't I feel for you?
They lie, what can I do?

Oh Love, set me free!
Set me free!
Come on and set me free!

Oh Lord, set me free!
Set me free!
Come on and set me free!

Underground... the German Casanova
Underground... The Panamanian Queen
He whispers, "Down here, the law will never find you.
Down here I am your God and King"

It's a sin to sit and just do nothing,
There's a special place in hell for me
Oh God I just gotta do something
I swear to God this is happening--

Oh Love, set me free!
Set me free!
Come on and set me free!

Oh Lord, set me free!
Set me free!
Oh, it could have been me.

Oh Lord, set them free!
Set them free!
It could have been me.

ah...history in action

2008-12-03T17:31:00.003-06:00

an elk!

2008-11-30T23:14:00.000-06:00

Vlog #2 (8/25/08 Bun's of Fun) from Andrew Futral on Vimeo.

monet

2008-11-30T00:44:00.002-06:00

the national

2008-11-18T23:21:00.001-06:00

they definitely had one of the best albums of last year.
boxer is one of my favorites still.

john wayne gacy, jr.

2008-11-17T23:22:00.002-06:00

learned this song by sufjan stephens tonight:

His father was a drinker
And his mother cried in bed
Folding John Wayne's T-shirts
When the swing set hit his head
The neighbors they adored him
For his humor and his conversation
Look underneath the house there
Find the few living things
Rotting fast in their sleep of the dead
Twenty-seven people, even more
They were boys with their cars, summer jobs
Oh my God

Are you one of them?

He dressed up like a clown for them
With his face paint white and red
And on his best behavior
In a dark room on the bed he kissed them all
He'd kill ten thousand people
With a sleight of his hand
Running far, running fast to the dead
He took of all their clothes for them
He put a cloth on their lips
Quiet hands, quiet kiss
On the mouth

And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floorboards
For the secrets I have hid

f for friday and anything you can imagine

2008-11-16T23:02:00.003-06:00

(belting out lyrics and stupidly/drunkenly flashing lacy with the camera)

(outside sandalwood forest, the hippy shop)

(kavu hat i bought from sandalwood forest)

(hats)

(groovin to gorgol bordello)

(the lacinator doin the dancinator)

(big dam bridge)

rally rally gabba gabba hey

2008-11-13T17:50:00.003-06:00

i'm going to try and go to a protest at the state capitol on saturday.

reason?

proposition 8 and the Arkansas adoption ban.

if i do get to go, it will be my first.

i'm pumped.

caroline

2008-11-12T20:34:00.000-06:00

Her name was Caroline
She was mine, my only one
By day she taught school children
By night she became alone

Her head was filled with thoughts
About mother earth, her god.
She longed to protect her
From all of mankind.
Her mother found it distasteful,
Her father, he didn’t approve.
They thought it was a phase,
That age would remove this noose.

But now it’s eight years later.
Her hair looks fine, it’s long.
She gives long-winded speeches
On how pollution is wrong,
How man has many laws
But for some, they seem to fall,
How everyone loves Jesus.
They cling to him, one and all.
But when they listen to the variable
Righteous thoughts escape them.
How else could a King
Be removed from his throne?
“Do lies travel faster
With the aid of telephones?”
She said, “If bullets had freewill
Would they choose where they land?
Would triggers become stiff,
Forever to take a stand?”
People they beg for truth
But only without consequence.
“Responsibility’s for others
We prefer song and dance.”

Her name was Caroline
She was mine, my only one.
That day she taught school children,
That night her time had come.

She was standing in the square
Fervent in her speech;
A bold delivery
But trembling underneath,
For the night before,
While rehearsing her part,
A mysterious note appeared
That tore at her heart.
A threat was made --
“We’re gonna have your head.
What you say means nothing.
You’d be better off dead.
But this can change if you want.
Just don’t speak up.
Better yet, if you like your life
Just don’t come around.
You should work on finding Jesus
Like everyone else in this town.
I sincerely hope
You take what I say.
You could keep teaching children
At least another day.”

Caroline wasn’t one
To ever back down.
She quoted famous philosophers
Who weren’t welcomed or allowed.

On that cold November day
Snow fell to the ground,
A shot was fired from a pistol --
It was the only sound.

Her name was Caroline . . .

an iron butterfly

2008-11-11T17:40:00.001-06:00

You get out of bed
You wring your hands
Low you hang your head

The room still spins
The vodka, the gin
Cigarettes mean the end.

Morning comes
Like light bulbs burst
One more will do you in.

The fuse is lit
Another “one more hit”
She’s doing it again

She does it right
Eyes cocaine white
She found heaven this time then

Her soul leaves
Floating like a butterfly
But she’s made of iron
Too heavy to fly
So her soul falls back down
And into her mouth
And now she feels
What it feels like to die.

And now the devil
He’s inside her
Penance for what she done before

She can see out her eyes
Fills up her mind with lies
But the devil he’s got control

And once again
She’s back again
But it’s not really her this time

There’s a strap in her mouth
And needles all about
But this isn’t her this time

To the home
Comes Father Combes
For there’s a demon to exorcise

The sinner girl
She’s held down with chains
As the priest demands his name

The demon replies
With a voice that cries
“Legion is my name”

The priest is taken aback
In this room with crosses stacked
Because the demon isn’t one, but many

Her eyes fill with fire
As the prayers surround
While the demons refuse to let go.

With the Bible on her head
And a cross on her heart
Father Combes cries, “Get out of her!”

Her body starts to shake
And her nose it does bleed
As those demons finally do recede

The spectators
Don’t realize it’s all over
But Satan’s got this girl’s soul for good.

and can you say the word muahcalick?

2008-11-07T20:52:00.000-06:00

America's Got Talent Clip: Busty Heart Uncensored

hello and welcome to christianity

2008-11-07T17:41:00.001-06:00

sha la la la la la la la la la la la ti da

2008-11-07T17:30:00.002-06:00

possibly doing a bit of recording this weekend.
i really hope so.
it will be with josh's brother's portable stereo thing.
not great, but will do fine for me for sure.
i actually borrowed it for a month or so, but i ended up being sick the whole time.
so i couldn't sing.
it sucked really bad.

anyway, when it goes down, because it will soon or i'm going to go insane, josh is going to help mix which is not the easiest thing to do on that machine. the machine's "review" process is what's lame about it really. but anyway. very shortly there better be music. or somebody better kick my ass.

idioteque

2008-11-05T19:10:00.004-06:00

one of my uncles ran for a local position as a democrat and lost.

today he was told by one man something to the effect of, "It's no wonder you lost you goddamn democrat nigger lover."

how do you like that, O great age of reason and understanding?

my dad and i were talking the other night about how they were predicting (mostly in the south i think) that many white people were saying they were going to vote OBAMA but actually vote MCCAIN for racial reasons. basically my father thought that that was bullshit. i refuted and argued saying how real racism still is. and no of course it's not just white on black racism. it's everything including the opposite what was previously stated, but that i thought it was a just concern. went further into detail about it but he still didn't want to back down.

as of today, I won.

the results are in:

2008-11-05T09:04:00.003-06:00

Water Bonds: PASSED

Gay Adoption Prohibited: PASSED

Lottery: PASSED

President: MCCAIN

basically we are assholes.

watch party

2008-11-04T18:11:00.002-06:00

at my house tonight.
because my uncle ran for sheriff.
i'm leaving.
HAVE to do some major reading.
test in lit tomorrow.
and i'm not ready.

maybe if i'd quit reading whatever the hell i want and start reading the assignments i would be better off?

it's a hypothesis at least.

but hey, they can't complain.
i mean,
i am reading.

./d

2008-11-04T14:34:00.001-06:00

civic duty = mission: accomplished.

v-day

2008-11-03T21:04:00.002-06:00

Referred Question One would authorize $300 million dollars in bonds for water, sewer, flood control, irrigation and drainage projects.

money comes from private bonds so i'm definitely okay with this.

Proposed Constitutional Amendment One would give the legislature the power to determine who can be a voting official. The measure also would remove outdated language from the constitution.

seems good to me.

Proposed Constitutional Amendment Two would provide for annual sessions of the state legislature. Sessions in even-numbered years would be restricted to writing budgets for state agencies.

right now they meet every 2 years for 30 days. would be changed to once a year for 15 days. i'm for it so that issues can be resolved sooner that need to be taken care of. yes, they can call emergency hearings, but i've never (at least in my life time) heard of them actually doing it.

Proposed Constitutional Amendment Three would create a state lottery.... with revenue going toward college scholarships.

undecided, but leaning towards voting for it. my reluctance stems from potential economic hazards, especially toward families that might participate that have a low income, etc.

Initiated Act Number One would prohibit unmarried and cohabiting couples from adopting and fostering children.

this is bullshit. it should be fine as long as the same rules and regulations and still in effect when it comes to adopting in general. it's good and bad that it's such a pain to adopt a child but it's worth it to place children in good homes.

ahh! real monsters

2008-11-01T17:40:00.002-05:00

went and saw a screening of ROCKY last night dressed as BRAD MAJORS. it was a really good time. afterwards went to IHOP and when i was leaving these older trashed (hot) ladies who were drunk off their asses were trying to get me to give them a ride home. thought about it but then i remembered that scene in 40 yr. old virgin when the hottie spreads lung butter all over steve carell's car. from there my mind jumped to the movie TEETH which has apparently scarred me for life, and i simply said, "No."

monster

2008-10-27T09:35:00.002-05:00

The UCA Police Department received a call at 9:19 p.m. reporting shots fired. At the same time, a UCA police officer heard the shots and responded immediately.

The first two UCAPD officers were on the scene of the shooting at 9:19 p.m. The incident occurred outdoors between Arkansas Hall and the Snow Fine Arts Center.

The first MEMS ambulance arrived on scene at 9:28 p.m., and the first Conway Fire Department vehicle was on scene at 9:30 p.m.

One victim, a UCA student, was pronounced dead at the scene. Two other injured victims were transported to Conway Regional Medical Center. One of those victims, also a UCA student, died at the hospital. The other victim, who was not a UCA student, was treated and eventually released from the hospital.

The names of the victims will not be released until their relatives are notified.

UCA residence halls and the UCA Student Center were immediately locked down after the incident was reported. However, the UCA campus itself is not locked down, although officers are posted at every campus entrance, and access to campus is limited to residents and authorized personnel. [UPDATE: Access to the UCA campus is open.]

All 25 UCAPD officers were immediately dispatched. The UCAPD's automated alert system was initiated, and every residence hall was contacted by telephone to instruct officials to secure the facilities and restrict access to the buildings. E-mails were sent to UCA student, faculty and staff e-mail systems, as well as the Safe@UCA e-mail listserv. A notification also was posted on the UCA homepage at www.uca.edu, as well as the UCAPD website at www.ucapd.com.

The UCAPD is conducting a joint investigation with the Conway Police Department and the Faulkner County Sheriff's Office.

A person of interest has been detained, although that person is not under arrest at this time.

Classes are canceled at UCA for Monday, Oct. 27, 2008. However, the campus is open and UCA faculty and staff can report to work.

(taken from www.uca.edu)

the info they provided only pertains to what happens on campus and nothing else. like i said previously, shots were fired at josh's apt complex and i also found out shots were fired at my friend will's apt complex.

driveby shootings.

this feels very different from what i could have ever possibly have imagined.
no one feels safe.
and what's also scary is that a man from my school killed someone this year too, though it was off campus.

i was just reading in THE SAVAGE DETECTIVES this weekend about how paranoia and fear can rule out all other emotions and now I'm starting to reread THE METAMORPHOSIS. what's sad is how "on" that concept is...

more later.

death becomes her

2008-10-26T22:17:00.002-05:00

fuck.
the college i've been looking at going to (the one josh currently attends) just had a shooting tonight.
no details yet.

edit: one death confirmed, possible 3. plus injuries. shooting took place at josh's apartment complex but he wasn't there. so fucked. fucked. fucked.

dylan is the man

2008-10-21T20:00:00.001-05:00

"No one is free; even the birds are chained to the sky."

cuff links

2008-10-21T01:34:00.003-05:00

(wrote this at work today)

She never gets
How things go
Like why blood flows
And stains the carpet
Even when she screams
“Please stop it”
Blood still flows

It’s not love
Unless there’s pain
To ease all this pain
It’s all over she thinks
When he puts back on the diamond cuff links
And he wears a smile so well
One that he keeps from her
But gives to the other girl

She thinks it’s funny how
All these diamond, golden, silvery things
How they really don’t mean a thing
How love is a word it’s not a verb.
It’s just a word.

She comes into the courtroom
Where “His Honor” is gone
Her left eye swollen, cheeks turned blue
Only her face speaks, it’s true

The jury stands
But gets caught by the window
--eyes they wander
Only want to go home

Mr. Cuff Links
He finally shows
Trails in late
Followed by perfume

And the case
It is absolved
And the gavel
It is thrown

And the world turns to stare
As she is denied her share
And a tear falls on her pillow
As she welcomes the next fellow
To her bed and
To her love and
To her pain
To ease her pain

She said,
“I’m so tired.
I’m through.
I’m so tired
Of you.”

coolio

2008-10-20T00:07:00.001-05:00

this is a cool artist.
word of caution though.
you might call some of his work exuberant.

hurts too much

2008-10-18T17:06:00.000-05:00

new starsailor song.

more more more

2008-10-18T03:09:00.001-05:00

Chuck P. is at it again.
new book coming next year called PYGMY.
can't wait.

halluncinations of pyramids in concave glass

2008-10-12T15:03:00.001-05:00

It’s all a matter of flickering promises
With no words ever being spoken
It’s a matter of a hope of a life
Worth living again
It’s love and it’s war and
I’m caught somewhere in
The middle of it all
It’s nowhere I desire to be
It’s just where I lie

I’m laying brick and stone
Building a fortress to protect myself
I would invite you in
But you’re beginning to feel like the enemy

And still, all those feelings set aside,
All I want is to be Alone with you.

the flood / the cleanse

2008-10-12T08:49:00.002-05:00

For the past week / week and a half (can't really remember) I have had a lot of trouble eating. It's pretty strange actually -- well, at least to me. For instance, I feel like I'm starving and I go eat dinner, only I am completely stuffed after just a few bites. To the point of almost needing to puke to get relief. This is really weird. Usually I get comments such as, "Where do you put it all?", etc. and now I can't even eat a sandwich?

So I decided / was sort of inspired by VanNasty's cleanse diet. I'm closely monitoring the things I eat for at least the next two weeks or so. I'm going to manage my portions like I am suppose to. Also, I'm going to exercise because I am not sleeping good at all right now either. That portion of my problem has been going on for the past 2 weeks actually, but after this week and all the crap that came along with it, I'm sleeping even worse. Yesterday I rode a bike for 5 miles, a ski machine for 1 mile, jogged 1 mile (to and from tennis court), and played tennis for about an hour. Thank God I'm not sore right now. I figured I had over done it like normal, and would not want to continue, but luckily, that is not the case.

That's all for now. Going to go bike another 5 miles before breakfast.

excitement floods the city in light

2008-10-07T18:39:00.004-05:00

New Ryan Adams.

New Ray Lamontagne.

New Bob Dylan too.

Get ready to rock your socks off.

esse quam videri

2008-10-04T11:29:00.003-05:00

Descartes wondered and, at the same time, stripped everything, even the simple act of writing this response, bare on a philosophical level. I think he raised this question (reality vs. dream world) mostly to explore how powerful the subconscious really is and/or can be. Personally I think it is nearly impossible to differentiate between dreams and reality. Even in our so-called “reality” people suffer from delusions, hallucinations, etc., and even those who suffer from those types of disorders can’t differentiate between what is real. Maybe the human race itself is sick and our minds have bent our thinking into calling a person who sees the truth sick instead. Frankly, the possibilities here are endless.

Recently I watched a film titled VANILLA SKY (excellent by the way) that touched on these exact issues. It was quite interesting in a Matrix kind of way, in that it explores being able to control one’s surroundings in the dream state. There is a Latin phrase that states, “Esse quam videri" meaning, “To be, rather than to seem". I think those words tie in nicely to this topic, but I don’t think it applies only to a physical level. Instead, I think we need to strive to be who we are in our dreams as well -- after all, that is where we birth our futures. Why not set a goal that could actually be achieved? I’m not saying to stop reaching beyond one’s abilities. In fact continue to do that. How else could one grow? What I am trying to say is that I think you can control your dreams as well as your life (obviously, not to the utmost extent, but the majority at least) so that one can shape whatever type of existence they wish to have.

It’s extremely remarkable when every single culture has correlated the dream world with enlightenment. Native Americans would get “visions from the Gods” in order to guide them along the path of life, the ancient Greeks would visit Oracles for advice, the list goes on and on. Maybe getting back to a simpler dimension of reality, one that pushes off all barriers, is what we need to strive for.

breathless sons of god

2008-10-04T00:53:00.001-05:00

All you breathless sons of God
Can’t you control your thoughts?
All those lessons that you taught
Were more like bombs you dropped.

If it’s a crime you need
Look no further than your mind, you see
Your dark thoughts are wrapped in Holiness,
But their dull glow is pensive yet.

And now I’m praying for shelter from you
And all the double-speaking that you do.
It all comes down to righteousness
But what you have adds up to even less.

Your whole life has been a falsehood
You stood your ground because you were told you should
You don’t pour money in the offering plate
You keep your share behind a bolted gate.

I heard about your fantasy
Where you live not one life but three
A constant pull of give and take
And what’s sad is it’s reality

You speak of putting yourself on that cross
To ease the world’s suffering and loss
But you have no idea what that act contains
Besides you’re not strong enough to hold the reins.

Choking

2008-09-27T11:03:00.003-05:00

Last night I watched the film Choke (Palahniuk -- not that any of you don't know that already). I was going to actually write a review of it this morning, but before I started I wanted to see what a few other critics had to say about it first. The first one I came to was a review from the Sundance Film Festival and it said everything i wanted to say. Read it here.

Basically though, the movie is good. I would give it a nice, solid B. Sam Rockwell and Anjelica Huston, esp. Rockwell, MAKE the movie. Without them I don't think the film would have been nearly as successful. Rockwell definitely meets the grunge level required for the film. Obviously this is a movie so parts of the book had to be left out, but the last part of the book, when the stoning takes place, is left out (Sundance explains that it was because of budget issues) and that was disappointing.

Musically: the soundtrack is amazing, but, and don't get me wrong here -- I LOVE radiohead -- but they closed the movie with RECKONER off of the new album and it didn't fit. Lyrically you can bend the lyrics to kind of tie it in with ending, but without that the music came out of nowhere and didn't fit the mood.

Sundance also talks about a crappy score, but to be honest, I didn't really pay attention to it most of the time, so I don't think I can even comment on that portion. I was too wrapped up in the dialogue.

------

Just remember when you see this film, that it is not Fight Club. They are both good, but also both totally different animals.

Adios.

not right with me

2008-09-21T14:05:00.000-05:00

oh jim, oh pam

2008-09-21T10:18:00.003-05:00

the burning of homes

2008-09-21T00:13:00.000-05:00

I can only tell it’s summer
By the burning of homes
Their smoke billows in the distance
That I have to go
And it’s the only way I’ll find the place
Where I grew and will continue to grow

How I love the smell of paint peeling
Traveling on the wind
Right along the water tower
I would climb once again
It would be after I found the house
As a child I played in
Abandoned I had left it
Soon to be abandoned once again

I would find a pile of old newspapers
Stacked in the kitchen
Yellowed and wrinkled like an old snakeskin
I would stuff them in the couch cushions
Drizzled with gasoline
And make a tail to the yard
Where the grass stood so green
And through the window panes
That’s where I would see
The place where I was born and raised
Erased from history
That’s when I would climb up
That tall water tower
To look down on the town
And see my house unfold like a flower

The firemen came to the scene
Put up the good fight
But they weren’t really needed because
The good Lord made it rain all night
Still the house lied in ruin
It wasn’t worth anything
But the price of its destruction
To me meant everything

and baby, baby, oh the good times

2008-09-16T22:51:00.001-05:00

(rain slicker / overalls brought to you by hurricane ike)
(this is pregame at the lucero show -- not saying what's in that bottle in my hand)

the next messiah

2008-09-11T01:38:00.000-05:00

"I'm going to be just like you: the job, the family, the fucking big television, the washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisurewear, luggage, three-piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by, looking ahead, to the day you die. "

our hell

2008-09-07T21:53:00.002-05:00

sometimes you read things that affect you more than you would think one sentence could.

"Everyone that knew me before 9/11 thinks I'm dead."

This sentence is on the latest post secret video and it's really fucking with my head right now. Back and forth, back and forth. Social suicide. Right or wrong. Maybe it's just a personal choice to justify this kind of thing, but, God, some days wouldn't it just be nice to be able to wake up somewhere and . . .

why don't you finish that sentence.

i can fix that hole in you

2008-09-02T19:45:00.002-05:00

Jenny Lewis (of Rilo Kiley).

She has a new song for the new album Acid Tongue coming out real soon that goes by the same name.

God...

she is so hot / sexy / talented / you name it.

angela huston creeps me out but i still think she's great

2008-08-30T11:43:00.005-05:00

Chuck Palahniuk's latest interview talking about the upcoming movie CHOKE.

(only problem is that it's only a partial interview with premier)

i am so freaking excited . . . i don't know what to do with myself.

EDIT: link is now fixed.

let earth unbalanced from her orbit fly

2008-08-29T08:55:00.002-05:00

getting to my school from conway (town where josh lives now) is an extra 12 miles or so. normally it takes me 20 minutes to get to school. it takes a full hour to get from his place to here. i found this out when i had to skip my 8am class this morning because i didn't leave until 7:15.

traffic sucks.

we were suppose to be discussing the enlightenment period and Pope's Essay On Man. the professor doesn't particularly care for it, but i didn't think it was so bad.

Favorite lines:

Pride is still aiming at the blest abodes,
Men would be Angels, Angels would be Gods.
Aspiring to be Gods, if Angels fell,
Aspiring to be Angels, Men rebel.

And, spite of Pride, in erring Reason's spite,
One truth is clear, WHATEVER IS, IS RIGHT.

welcome debt city fat cat

2008-08-25T22:18:00.002-05:00

bob dylan is tomorrow night and i'm stoked.

listening to delta spirit.

foundations of a sad romance

2008-08-19T09:56:00.003-05:00

i met a friend from Australia at Lollapalooza. Her name is Maddy Phelan and she just recorded 3 songs (quickly and in Montreal) and put them up on myspace. It's extremely good. Very impressive especially her voice; pure and solid. Her phrasing feels very natural, very rhythmic, often singing to the beat and motion of the guitar. I've been trying to figure out who her voice reminds me of, but as of yet all I can think of is Marketa Irglova from the band The Swell Season and the movie Once. You can also check out her blog here.

without further ado:

Maddy Phelan

something anything

2008-08-14T00:37:00.001-05:00

(new TRAVIS single)

moderate

2008-08-13T21:54:00.002-05:00

like beams of light in a star

2008-08-10T20:23:00.001-05:00

dylan has a new track called "dreamin' of you"

it's fantastic, of course.

get it here.

you used to ride the chrome horse

2008-08-10T01:32:00.005-05:00

The door opened to my deck and I stepped through. The wooden deck beneath my feet was damp, but not like the usual sticky and hot; instead it was cool against my skin. The air was cool as well, heavy with the smell of wheat and corn, but refreshing all the same. The door to my car was unlocked, as usual, the cigarettes were in the console, as usual, and I needed a smoke -- as usual. I sat on the second metallic step from the bottom, next to Grumpy, my black and white spotted cat. Camels. Fresh air. Thank God for cigarettes. When it was out, I stumped it, placed it in the empty carton, and put them in the green trashcan, not the blue one. From there I was awake and needed something to do. I went upstairs to pick up my guitar and continue to go through my new Dylan songbook. But a certain metal box with a certain green herb in it was calling my name. Perpetually. I had to. No other way around it. So I did. And now I'm sitting here in my orange chair listening to Bob instead of playing him, or at least his music. And maybe right now someone thinks I'm not myself, but maybe they just don't really know me.

-----
happy birthday dad.
(we went and saw iron man, again)
-----
-----
gonzo is amazing.
hst is amazing.
i know why you cried.
-----

all aboard

2008-08-06T18:00:00.001-05:00

leaving to go see either the Dark Knight (again) or Pineapple Express.

very torn as to which to see.

damn decision making.

damn it to hell

the drip

2008-08-05T23:08:00.003-05:00

Creaking was the bed,
like Claudia's grandmother's knees,
as she crept out of its comfort
and onto the cold, bare floor.
The warmth of Israel's body
trailed further and further away,
while the sweet smell of his sweat
still masked in merlot
clung to his nostrils
and begged to be released.

Stagnant their love had grown --
The insides of his thighs
muddled with the sweat of another --
Claudia knew all along.

And earlier, he drank the wine
from his cup;
tainted, convoluted
the thoughts in his mind
like bullets blaring past
only to explode before leaving his mouth
while his body lies,
collapsed,
merely sleeping
to the naked eye.

ottmar liebert 8/4/08

2008-08-05T23:02:00.003-05:00

I'm on a train goin' home
under skies so troubled, so clear
through cities so far, so near
and I'm stuck here, just me and my mind
thinking thoughts on love and life and god
and it's like every thing's real slow.
it's terrible and real slow.
beautiful and slow.

betty love -- i wish you were closer to me, that we had another means of communication, that your warmth was once again found in a sea of cold and dead. i miss you without really knowing you, but then again, i do. it's funny how our brains are / were connected -- how we both left notes in each others' carry-on, wishing for a relationship that could never be. you changed me -- or at least helped show me who i already was. thank you.

living rooms

2008-07-29T01:05:00.002-05:00

She smiles as she stands in the kitchen
her face draped in white
flush with the rise of morning

He stares at the ceiling
textured with yellow sides
like old books who starve to be read
and thinks about nothing
about only breathing
This is something she never understands.

She holds fruit in her hands:
strawberries and peaches
blackberries and melons
in the sink with the water running
she turns each over
cleaning off the film and dirt
slicing off bruises
and throwing the bad away

He drags the smoke through his filter
and exhales slowly, almost meticulously
he does this time and time again
letting the cigarette bounce between his lips
but now his mind wanders
to pyramids, the Nile
cobbled streets, and oceans run wild
and just for a minute,
if anyone asks,
he's not there.

dear hst, why, why, why?

2008-07-29T01:02:00.002-05:00

gonzo in little rock august 8th.

fucking excited.
finally.

but wait, i'll be out of town that weekend too.
dammit.
when will i ever see this film?

got new:

1) Beck modern guilt
2) Mason Jennings in the ever

both fantastic.
buy them.
download them.
just listen to them.

the story of my life (except i don't hide it)

2008-07-27T22:23:00.000-05:00

lines of liquid bass

2008-07-23T17:35:00.002-05:00

I walked over to my computer and sat down in the chair. When I did, I remembered just a couple of months ago, how frustrating that simple act was because the other chair I had would constantly lower itself and throw you off balance since you had to sit in a very particular fashion in order for it to not make you lean to the point of nearly falling out of the chair, which did happen at least on two occasions. Damn that fucking chair.

Just like every other day I pulled up Pandora, a very extensive "we-play-only-what-you-like-because-we-make-you-tell-us-what-you-like" kind of online radio, but today I was standing while attempting to type. Basically, if your name starts with a letter between R and T this means that you are going to fuck up what ever it is that you are trying to type. Just accept it because it is fact no matter how you look at it. So somehow the first two letters of pandora came out pu. After the first two letters the computer tries to guess what you are trying to type in. So I stop, look to find Pandora, but can only find several links to different portions of the site www.pussy.org. Immediately, I think -- Jesus! Have I been looking at porn at work? Without even realizing it? Like in Fight Club, only different? After a few ridiculous thoughts like that I realize that I haven't. Then my thought process traces this to my boss, you know -- the one with the really dumb name. But not just the fact that it could have been him looking at the porn, but that he could be setting me up to fire me or whatever else his little pervy brain could muster to think. Either way I know that I have to tell someone in case someone else finds it and automatically assumes, mainly because it's my computer, that I have been looking at titties. All day I try to think of who to tell, what to tell them, etc., so I call HKD to get advice on the issue. Afterwards I remember my other boss has a 14-15 year old boy that comes with him to work nearly every day. And, of course, he hangs in the building I am in every day. But at the same time, it's very rare for him to be alone. There are usually a total of 5 kids there and they stick together / annoy together constantly (my job description details nothing to do with children, yet what I am stuck doing 95% of the time? Fucking babysitting. I swear . . .). Anyway, my hands are in the air here. I tried to get the only other person that works in the office (the only one I really like and trust) to come to my building so I could show him. But nothing ever works out for him to be able to get away. I am going to follow up on this tomorrow. We'll call it an "investigation" if you will. If more porn is looked at tonight, I will know. And it will also eliminate the kid from the suspect list (he's out of town for the week).

on the road to hitting bottom

2008-07-20T03:36:00.004-05:00

i'm afraid, dear friends, that i may never be able to enjoy another single movie in my life.

batman was that good.

see also:

i am reed fish

check out:

the disturbia soundtrack
(it actually has a few surprises -- though i'm not saying it's awesome. only a few songs are)

read also:

roberto bolano

it is porno.
in the good way.
or is there any other?

horoscopes

2008-07-17T20:04:00.002-05:00

Wednesday
Do not fall into the trap of defining yourself in terms of external things or circumstances. Everything you do today will be part of a learning curve. Accept it for what it is and keep from letting it bring you down. Consider finding a new territory if you want to make a fresh start.

on this day i went with Josh to look at an apartment in Conway right across the street from the college. i sped right after work to get there to be able to look at it myself. the place was pretty nice. very exciting really. josh went ahead and got it. 2 bedroom place is $500, whereas the 1 bedroom place is $440 so he went with the 2. i tell him i need to think about it before jumping in too deep (he already knew about my plans to move to brooklyn). i did the math and realized that i would be spending $700 a month at least without doing anything extra. school would be 100 more miles per week as well. i went to be without having made a decision.

Thursday
Fate sends opportunity your way if you listen to your instincts and give your natural sense of curiosity a free rein. Enter the next few days with wisdom and caution. You cannot take anything for granted because it may come back and haunt you later. A slip of the tongue might put you into an embarrassing position this evening.

made up my mind today. i went to dinner with my family to talk about everything. actually, they were more reluctant about conway than brooklyn which was surprising, obviously. i'm not going to move into the apartment. it's just not practical with me going to lolla, getting a new mac and moving to / saving for brooklyn. i haven't told josh yet, but i'm going to later tonight after work. mostly though, i'm just happy my parents didn't completely lose it on me when i told them about ny like i expected. hopefully, and i really think it will happen, my stress level will go down now.

not a digression

2008-07-04T13:32:00.001-05:00

I'm tired of suicide.
This is a total of 4 in one year.
Give me a break.
And fucking quit praying already.
No one is there.

happy 4th

2008-07-04T13:31:00.001-05:00

Winged and terrible
The vulture swoops
And devours
Leaving only a few remnants behind

The bones pull and break
The flesh stretches and tears
And the eyes become milky
And encapsulate the universe

The victim, his only question:
“Where is my mind?”

Because this is where it’s different.
This is the point in which the prey stops running
And the hunter stops hunting.
This is the segment in which hope is lost,
Never to be found.
Where the target hoists himself onto the board
Praying the first shot is it.

Today, right now
in the early hours of the morning
It is.

dear, dear bonnaroo

2008-06-25T23:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Sir or Mam,

While I was at Bonnaroo on Saturday, 6/14/08, a golf cart driven by one of your employees / volunteers ran over my left foot causing it to sublet to the side of my knee before being popped back into place. The man who was driving had the courtesy to drive me to the medic tent for one and a half hours, where I was registered with the staff. From there, by instruction from the doctor on site, I was taken to the ER for x-rays by an ambulance where I was kept for three additional hours. I was able to return to Bonnaroo, but upon arriving I was forced to be dropped off at the gate and was denied when I asked numerous members of your staff for a ride to an area where the taxis were running so that I wouldn't have to worry about further injuring my leg. Obviously the rest of my trip was not nearly as enjoyable, especially since I was forced to miss many of the shows I was planning on seeing.

Due to the fact that this accident was caused by one of your employees, I feel that I should not be responsible for any of the hospital expenses or any other medical-related expenses pertaining to this injury.

If you could get back with me as soon as possible, it would be greatly appreciated.

dear diary

2008-06-25T08:55:00.002-05:00

travis has a new ep coming out.
the preorder started yesterday and i missed it.
gonna get the bundle (vinyl + digital) if any more become available.
the new album comes out this fall.

this is awesome.
freakin excited.

ps

hkd, you're my woman.

waiting for a war

2008-06-21T18:25:00.002-05:00

an old friend of mine, Amanda, moved to California my sophomore year of high school. mysteriously enough she decided to move back to Arkansas last week. last night i went over to the place where she is staying until her place becomes available. we went out for pizza and stayed up till 3am talking and listening to music. today we went to sonic and got milkshakes and breakfast. i've missed her a lot. more than i would have / could have ever realized.
she's so laid back and care free . . . i don't know.

fuck.
me.

i'm really happy right now.

death of a whore / bullshit king

2008-06-11T10:01:00.004-05:00

hkd = the devil.
as does sunshine.

we found another record store.
but i didn't buy any records.
they had cheap cds so i loaded up on those instead.

got:
1) athelete
2) junior senior
3) born ruffians

and then hkd was really awesome.
she got me:
1) cold war kids
2) elliott smith
(on vinyl)

also found some shoes that are wicked.
total hippy kicks though.
they are so comfortable.
they aren't shoes.
they aren't sandals.
just different.

oh, and pretty much since we've been in nawlins i've been craving chinese.
my prayers were answered last night.
hallelujah for honey chicken and fried rice.
and strawberry rum which i managed to spill all over my white t and my khakis.
awesome. fucking. clumsy. bastard.

and it rained like a bitch yesterday afternoon when we were trying to get to a cemetery to take photos.
by the way, the jewish graveyards stay open till whenever.
the cool catholic (oxymoron?) ones close some time around 5:00pm.
who knew?
gay.
but there were still some cool stones and stuff.

ps
i'm winning $40 at bonnaroo.
stay on your toes people.
stay on your toes.

money in your mouth

2008-06-08T08:00:00.000-05:00

You swallow this whole
This disbelief
You could turn
Your greatest misfortune
Into something at which
A king would weep

You lie across your sheets
With money in your mouth
Sweet perfume is in the air
And the moon outside is full

Because they have no idea who you are
You’re not hesitant to go again
Help them open their eyes
Show them that the world is cruel

You present
another devilish scheme
A foolish dream
You’ll never be satisfied
With anything or anyone
Nothing is ever too great
You could always have more
I suppose . . .

If you ever returned
You’d only come back
To a room staring at your face.

I don’t care
Wherever you go
Forget about me
I’ll get a start on my own two feet.

the times they are a-changing

2008-06-07T18:44:00.002-05:00

holy fuck.

bob dylan.

little rock, arkansas.

8/26/08

i just had an orgasm.

man / beast / etc.

2008-06-07T13:21:00.001-05:00

With no great skill
Or even a few dollar bills
You wander into towns who can’t find a name
So long apart
A chance for a fresh start
But you can’t quite seem to fit
The places are exactly the same
So perfectly right
So perfectly tame
Misconstrued, feeling light
Things are adding up, just not right

Drink up: Cups of evil; Cups of bliss;
Drink up: Cups of callas; Cups of wish.

To find exactly what you’ve become
man / beast / machine / plant / bird / thing
Swallow it whole
Everything

You said, “an old woman once told me,
‘what is not will surely rot.’”
It took you for a turn, her words
You determined to fix everything
Like she’d said.
Become in tune

Stay calm, relaxed.
Enjoy breathing again.
You’re breathing again.
At long last.

Falling in step
Never miss, never trip
With strong strides
You morph to shadows
To clouds
You night crawlers
You sleuths

With burial rites in their mouths
Your mothers and fathers
You sisters’ unborn children
They (stare, pierce) straight through you
They move you

sing your praise to the god of machines

2008-06-07T01:01:00.001-05:00

Fallen asleep
You dreamt to weep
For, upon a prior waking,
You find that you cannot.
Eyes like bottomless inkwells
Suddenly run dry.
So instead you write this letter
In a shade slightly darker
Than the purple it was before.

ask me anything

2008-06-05T01:18:00.004-05:00

funny how quick things get turned around on you / on someone else.
funny how i've made a mockery of things and don't really care.

*funny how in three (3) days i'm fucking out of here.

funny how lately i've been so much more comfortable
out of my own skin / in alternate universes

-----------

it's time to put a few things to rest.
finally.period.finally.

what does gregory peck have to do with anything?

2008-06-01T01:58:00.003-05:00

i finished snuff and all i have to say is what the fuck?

i love you chuckie p.

he put up a couple of my photos on his site.

oscar and angela from the office on last comic standing tonight

2008-05-29T16:03:00.006-05:00

very, very soon this blog is going to be switched to private.

if you want to continue reading, please email me at hollandchase@gmail.com

it's possible that this is only temporary, but it is in my best interest to do so right now.

------

my trip to cloud city was awesome.

chuck palahniuk is awesome. (he gave me a signed blowup doll, a signed stuffed dog (read snuff), and i got signed and stamped copies of snuff and lullaby

the cure is awesome.

the rockies are awesome.

the mountain is possibly TOO awesome.

don't believe me?

just ask her.

also, record stores, in particular WaxTrax and Criminal Records, are of the devil. they steal lots of money from you.but i love them anyway.

also times 2:
here's a link to see what chuck's book tours are like if you are interested. keep in mind though that this is only a sampling of the evening. you had to be there to see it all. this is taken from his myspace where you can also find a link to a trailer for the new movie CHOKE based off his book starring sam rockwell and anjelica huston.

sweet, sweet angeline

2008-05-26T18:07:00.009-05:00

Angeline's voice was dry and cracked, and her rapid breathing made it all too apparent that she was severely out of shape. She was speaking of her mother -- how she always hated the way she said "sure", purposely exaggerating the "r" sound, and her Aunt Ces with her million moles all over her neck and face. Any other time, any other girl, and I had problems containing myself. I would remember walking in on my parents, imagine my fourth grade teacher, that eighty year old bitch, naked and swinging with her hair blowing in the breeze. This girl though, this Angeline, if she didn't shut up, I would never even have to worry about it. Her nipples were hard and square, like Lincoln Logs sticking out of her chest, and her breasts were like Coke cans.

This whore, she said, "My Aunt Rosa told me that we have this weird gene in our family were we have all of this extra vaginal discharge, but that it's nothing to worry about. She asked the doctor and he said that it's really not all that uncommon. So don't be freaked out or anything, mmmkay?"

The bean burrito with extra cheese and guacamole that I had for dinner - let's just say it didn't taste quite as good the second time around. This woman, she's grabbing my dick and yanking it like there's no tomorrow. She asks me why I'm not hard, if she doesn't make me horny. I lie and say I just had too many drinks.

"Just give it some time. He'll rouse up."

She tightens her fist and pulls harder. With her left hand, she reaches for my balls but ends up slicing my sack with her red broken fingernail instead. I look down and see that I am bleeding. All I can think is Fuck. She notices too and immediately uses her mouth for the only other thing it's good for.

The clock reads 10:13pm. The bleeding has stopped and my dick is purple and sore from her technique. Eugene, that son-of-a-bitch, lied. He went on and on about how good she was with her hands. That stupid schmuck convinced me to give this girl a call. Said she's new, but she's good and needs the money. I"m paying her a hundred bucks, for what? A life story and a cut up ball sack. Sure I'll help. Do whatever you want. Castrate me if you will.

10:24. Angeline says, "I've got a surprise for you baby," and she pulls out this, this thing from a drawer in the nightstand.

"What the hell is that?"

"It's called the Hitachi Wand, and it is amazing."

"You are not sticking that up my ass."

I noticed the song on the radio - it was old R&B, Marvin Gaye I think. The only thing pleasant about the entire evening.

She said something about how it's not just any dildo. She said, "It's the Wand."

Angeline turned on the vibrator on it's lowest speed. I could feel her spelling her own name on my back with it. The song changed to something rap - something shitty - something I definitely could have lived without. I rolled over and she started massaging my dick with the white dildo. Up and down my shaft, down my pubic bone, around my balls and back just touching my asshole. My legs and arms stretched straight, muscles tight to the point of snapping, the blood rushed from my head.

"If you thought that was nice, just you wait and see what else this baby can do." She reached to the base of the dildo and switched the vibrator to high. It turned into a fucking weed eater and just guess what it was trying to chop down. The stupid little bitch lost control of it and let it hit me right on top of my cock.

I screamed and told her to fuck off. That I didn't need whatever else she had to offer. But it was too late.

Angeline was already back on top of me doing her best with her magic wand or whatever with the speed set to kill. It was making sounds like a weed eater makes when you accidentally try to mow down a concrete curb. I could feel tears welling up so I rolled over to find relief. The newbie took this as an opportunity to enter the rear door.

While in a semi-fetal position, I felt her spread my ass apart and put this fucking monster between my legs. I lost it. I snatched the beast from her hands, reared it back like a baseball bat and swung with all my might. It was hard to hold on, vibrating and all, but still I heard her jaw crack as it collided. She fell back across the mess of blankets and hit her head on the wooden nightstand. I put on my pants and wiped the blood from her mouth. I said, "Bitch," and never saw her again.

But really, you didn't want to hear about that.

i have mountain on my shirt

2008-05-18T10:41:00.002-05:00

yesterday i climbed pinnacle mountain with erin and her little sister. we found a different trail than the one i am used to taking. it consisted of 1.5 miles of lunges. it was a workout but definitely worth it. when we got to the top we lied down for about an hour and a half. i did some meditating and really cleared my mind. there were hawks soaring near us too -- very cool. in the end though, we were burnt. except for her sister. she has this great olive skin tone that naturally repels sunlight while i sat up there cooking like an egg in a skillet.

bought death from above 1979's album you're a woman i'm a man, and lacy is about to bring me a cd a friend of ours made. it's really good -- very folky. great harmonica, everything.

i leave in 2 days for cloud city. bring on chuck p., iron man, and the effing record store.

and i think i'm going to be switching this blog to private very soon. at least for a short time.

subterranean homesick blues

2008-05-14T16:26:00.005-05:00

there ain't nowhere to run to
there ain't nowhere to hide
she got me wrapped round her finger
oh so very tight

i got you
you got me to blame

i got you
you got me what a shame (who's to blame)

she's down at the drugstore
talking real sweet
she't trying to pick up somethin
to knock me off my feet

i got you
you got me to blame

i got you
you got me what a shame (who's to blame)

i found a gun under her pillow
it was loaded
when i asked her about it
she was more loaded than it

took my baby to the hospital
to see a friend of hers
that girl didn't look too well
when we left they pulled up the hearse

i got you
you got me
nothin get held back

i got you
you got me
forget where we lack

down at the carnival
the ring master said his piece
to all the crowd
"look at all these freaks."

well they turned and they stared
they were staring straight at me
i brought out a mirror and said,
"look and see what i see."

then they started looking kinda crazy
headin down the line
thirsty for some blood
knew it wasn't yours but mine

that's when i knew
it was all mixed up in the wash
i had made a simple mistake
but heavy was the cost

seems like times like these is trouble
and trouble seems to be my name
once i was a champion runner
but now i been struck lame

no baby these legs don't work like they used to
but my mouth picked up the game
whatever way you look at it
it all turns out the same

i got you
you got me to blame

i got you
you got me what a shame (who's to blame)

written at work today -- complete random thought process / song

--------

new death cab is out.

conquest! (best jack white voice)

2008-05-09T09:12:00.004-05:00

so far, it's a great day. woke up actually feeling worse than yesterday, even after doping myself up on nyquil (yeah hangover from sleep meds!). plus, i cannot go to the josh ritter show now. things didn't work out for me to be able to find someone to pick up my folks from the airport. this sucks. blah blah blah. i feel like all i have done lately is complain. to make it up to you listen to ((sounder)). pretty good folk/experimental group i found.

muhahahahahahahahah ah......?

2008-05-08T10:25:00.000-05:00

i can't wait to get out of here already!

the devil was chrome

2008-05-05T09:47:00.000-05:00

I like how my boss was talking to a customer in regards of the recent tornado. What makes this even better is the fact that he is a southern baptist preacher. he said, "when i passed by yer house and saw how (the storm) just kind of skipped ya, i was like 'that man must be livin' right.'"

so now you believe in karma? and i guess you don't really believe the bible with that whole section on Job or at least you must have been skipping it all of these years because the way i understood it, your God holds no bars when it comes to suffering, etc. life sucks for good people too. it's just the way it works. anyway, to make a long story short, if you are going to believe something believe it already. don't be wishy washy. don't give me excuses. and quit whining like a fucking bitch too.
it's rather annoying.

theologians don't know nothin about my soul

2008-05-02T15:58:00.003-05:00

guess what -- the land of trailers (aka arkansas) was hit by tornadoes once again today. a town less than 10 miles from where i live was hit pretty hard. quite a few homes were destroyed and at least 5 businesses were obliterated. also, one of those businesses is actually MIA. literally, they cannot find this tire shop. crazy. the school was also hit but only minor damage. no deaths have been reported and there have only been a few injuries. i guess i'm lucky,jesus loves me, or i have good karma.

god blee thee.
today and tomorrow.
(but not the next day - that would be sunday and that's his day off)

creole seasonings on lambchops

2008-05-01T13:59:00.005-05:00

V listen to Cassino. Maybe you'll fall in love with them too.

today/currently/approximately right now, i feel sick.
why you may ask?
let me give you 2 reasons:

1. 3 chili dogs at lunch (consumed rapidly no doubt).

[and]

2. god speak from boss' mouth at said lunch.

the question that i've been pondering:

which is worse?

----

it's looking like i might be driving with josh to st. louis on saturday to pick up his new car, a black '93 volvo wagon. Hell yeah. that is unless things work for him to leave tomorrow, in which case i will not be able to go. other than that, my weekend will be completely boring and i love it. i'm going to read/finish clockwork orange and watch radiohead on from the basement. plus i've got a few movies recorded i've been meaning to see. and since my parents are out of town, i have complete rule of the kitchen so maybe i'll make something interesting.

this makes my skin crawl

2008-04-30T16:29:00.001-05:00

Was a long and dark December
From the rooftops i remember
There was snow
White snow

Clearly i remember
From the windows they were watching
While we froze down below

When the future's architectured
By a carnival of idiots on show
You'd better lie low

If you love me
Won't you let me know?

Was a long and dark December
When the banks became cathedrals
And the fog
Became God

Priests clutched onto bibles
And went out to fit their rifles
And the cross was held aloft

Bury me in honor
When i'm dead and hit the ground
A love back home unfolds

If you love me
Won't you let me know?

I don't want to be a soldier
With the captain of some sinking ship
With snow, far below

So if you love me
Why'd you let me go?

I took my love down to violet hill
There we sat in snow
All that time she was silent still

So if you love me
Won't you let me know?

If you love me,
Won't you let me know?

get the song here.

feelings of loss you can't control

2008-04-30T11:26:00.001-05:00

I miss the years past of sitting in the floor deciding the direction of which our inspiration would flow. Sharing the end result and proudly knowing that in some minute way our paths of thought would parallel. The reflections of light that would spark our initial journey of writings of which most would read and go "wtf". Even in the most dismal of moments we could find comfort and escape just in the company of pen and paper. A moment in which I wish I could ascertain, to vanish from the exasperation that life bares down with currently. Thanks for digging deep into my soul and leaving remnants of you forever in my heart through memories made.

--from my cousin's blog about me

(we were best friends but she had to move several states away)

hunter s. thompson

2008-04-29T22:27:00.002-05:00

just call me gullable

2008-04-29T11:13:00.001-05:00

(stolen from joel's facebook page)

to understand and question death

2008-04-29T10:42:00.001-05:00

Death is formulaic:
Set patterns in rhythms
-to the rain
-to the night
-to the beat of wings,
though inconsistent it may be.

The real question:
Is His guise
-a friend
-a mockery
-a relief
or all of these things?

When the clouds entered her eyes,
that's when I knew.

last year (yellow)

2008-04-28T23:19:00.003-05:00

(reminiscing)